There’s nothing like a trip to the courthouse to make me feel both totally relieved and scared as hell. I feel like I’m living in the audience of a game show studio right now.
Tiny, flashing lights blink in dizzying patterns on a light blue backdrop behind the stage. There’s an arched entrance to the left of the backdrop, with a silver satin curtain across it. Small blue lights mark the outline of two curtained “doorways”, marked 1 and 2.
Announcer: That’s right party people, this is DEAL WITH IT!, and here’s your host, REX MORGANSTERN!
The silver curtain rises in the arched doorway in the backdrop, and Rex Morganstern – formerly of Self Sabotage – saunters onto the stage, taking his takes his place behind a podium.
Rex: Greetings and salutations, everyone! I’m Rex, and welcome back to DEAL WITH IT!, the game show where you choose what’s behind one of these two doors! You get what you get and you don’t get upset, so what do you do?
Audience: DEAL WITH IT!
Rex: You deal with it! Let’s meet today’s contestant, shall we? He’s a middle-aged guy with a few bad habits and a penchant for poutine, c’mon out!
Contestant walks on stage and takes his place beside Rex.
Rex: Alrighty, here’s the deal! Behind these two doors are your prizes. You can open either door, and that prize is automatically yours. Sounds simple, right? But here’s the catch. There’s always a catch, right?
Studio audience: [in unison] THAT’S RIGHT REX!
Rex: The catch is that no matter which door you open, you’re not going to like it. Both prizes suck. You simply open a door and you can keep that prize, or you can decide to open the other door and keep that prize, and hopefully that prize doesn’t suck quite as much as what’s what’s behind the door chose first. Are you ready?
Contestant: Not at all, Rex.
Rex: Great! Again, in case you weren’t paying attention, you can choose either door, and you keep that prize. Or, you can give up that prize and choose the other door instead, and hope for the best. Easy peazey lemon squeezy, as the kids say these days. Will it be door number one, or door number two?
Contestant: I’m going to take the first door, Rex.
Rex: Show him what he’s won!
Door number one opens to reveal an unremarkable car show model standing beside an equally unremarkable wooden table. The model gestures with a flourish at the items on the table: a judge’s gavel and a pair of dice.
Rex: For your consideration, door number one is a trip to court, where your fate will be decided by a jury. You could get off with a few years probation, or you could be locked up for the next five years. It’s a roll of the dice what you’re going to end up with at the end of the trial.
Audience: [together] Oooooh!
Rex: Now, is this a good idea, or do you think you’d rather take the chance with door number two?
The audience shouts their opinion, split pretty evenly between keeping this prize or risking it for what’s behind the closed door.
Rex: What’ll it be?
Contestant: I’ll take my chances with door number two.
The second door opens, revealing another Midwestern-pretty model in a tiny courtroom set, presiding over the stand.
Rex: You’ve given up option one, here’s option two! You get a five year suspended sentence and the next decade on probation! Unless you fuck things up, you stay out of lockup, but we’re watching you for the next ten years! Only you can decide if it’s worth it!
Deal with it.
