This has been a long week.
A long fucking week.
We started the week with his weekly group meeting on Sunday morning. There was a therapy appointment on Monday night. Yesterday, we started couple’s therapy. Tonight, at this very moment, I’m in the parking lot waiting for him while he’s at his monthly probation meeting. My mom is flying in tonight. Tomorrow, we have only the second night this week “off”, and we’re not expected anywhere. Saturday morning has him working a half shift, and I’ll be spending my afternoon at a birthday party.
I just want to relax.
Therapy did not help me relax.
I’d told him a few times over the last couple of weeks, since he made the appointment, that I was scared. I knew it was something I wanted us to do. However, every time I thought about it, I’d panic. Most times, the fear was the therapist would decide we’re completely, irreparably broken and we should just end it. Other times, I’d worry they’d tell me he couldn’t change, I could trust him, to just leave and be done with it. A few times, the panic flipped the script, and had the therapist saying I was the fucked up one and that he should leave me.
Therapy was rough.
None of what I feared would happen actually came to fruition. Unfortunately, I left feeling like the worst person in the world for :
- Not listening to him more
- Not asking about him more
- Not wanting to get into the details about what happened last year
- Not telling him about being so angry about things
- Not telling him right away when something was bothering me
While I wasn’t going into things expecting the therapist to say “you’re right, he’s a fucking dog, this is all on him,” I wasn’t expecting to leave the appointment thinking and feeling like everything was my fault.
Our homework was to talk, to ask questions and listen to each other. The therapist seemed almost annoyed that I didn’t want to know the depth and breadth of EVERYTHING. I don’t. I don’t need to know. It doesn’t affect me. I’m not the one who needs to live with it. If he feels like he needs to get it off his shoulders and tell someone more than his regular therapist or his group, I’ll listen, but
I
Don’t
Need
To
