Fatigue
I’m tired.
I say it a lot on here. Sometimes, it’s just an all-purpose, catch all phrase that can mean anything from “I need sleep” to “I just can’t even” and everything in between. Unfortunately, lately, it’s more than that.
I’m tired.
It’s hard. I’m cleaning house and clearing out. I feel like a smarmy used car dealer: EVERYTHING MUST GO! Only instead of gently used pre-owned vehicles, I’m cleaning out my life. And by extension, Shawshank‘s life. Collections, possessions, memories, hopes, fears, plans for the future. Everything must go.
I’m tired.
A well-meaning relative messaged me yesterday on Facebook. She told me she’s sending up a mask for me, priority mail, and oh yeah, move down here and we’ll help you get on your feet. I know people want to help, but I wish I didn’t end up feeling like everyone is pitying me when they do. I feel like everyone is trying to save me from myself. And maybe they are, or maybe their approach simply comes off that way to me. I’m tired of being the talking point, the example, the judged.
I’m so tired.
Being social is difficult for me; it takes a lot out of me to be “on” with people. In these days of both lock down and locked up, I’m finding that being alone is just as bad. It’s leaving me with that exhaustion that comes with staying late after an early shift. For me, being alone right now is being “on”, but without the audience.
My “tired” is that bone-deep fatigue that comes with having to pretend everything is ok when nothing is ok.
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Hello, loves. It’s Thursday, and this coffee can’t hit hard enough, or fast enough. I went to be a bit later than I’d have liked last night. For someone who had spent an hour or so in tears, writing a post about fatigue, I wasn’t sleepy. I’m actually impressed I was able to fall asleep without any type of pharmaceutical assistance.
It was nice to have a whole shift with DayTech and MusicMan. Everything went smoothly and no one complained about anything for the first time this week. Tonight’s my late shift, and I won’t get home until after dinner. Plus, I can’t shop for the week’s food tonight, I’ll have to go out on Saturday instead. However, the later start will means time for a workout this morning, providing I can move myself off the couch.
I had a nice chat with Shawshank last night. We talked about the Canadian border being closed to nonessential travel for another month. Everything I’ve read says the same thing: as a Canadian citizen, he shouldn’t have any issue getting in. It’s between ICE and the Canadians right now. He’ll have a mandatory quarantine, which he’ll spend trying to get his personal affairs in order. He’ll also need to research the next potential sticking point: whether his charge will bar him from sponsoring me as a permanent resident.
I don’t even want to think about that right now.
If that’s the case, it would mean he couldn’t sponsor me for… I’m guessing about 9 years. It would make all of the bullshit I’ve been doing for the last three months completely pointless. I mean, I’ll have a cleaner, less cluttered house, but that’s not what I want.
Due to the Monday holiday, it’ll be a 3-day weekend for me. I don’t know what I’ll be doing. Shopping, for certain. A workout on at least one day, and #selfcaresaturday, of course. Shawshank will call a couple of times, when he can, and I really need that right now.
But, let’s think about today. It’s Thursday, it’s a shift with MusicMan, and I’ll be cooking some chicken and rice when I come home. The weekend is coming up, and I can make it through the day.
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