Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

I was exhausted when I went to bed last night. I wanted to stay up and watch SNL. However, I never made it past the local news. After my foam pad arrived in the afternoon, I set up my “bed” in the living room. I added an extra blanket before I started #selfcaresaturday. It certainly helped. Between the foam and the extra quilt I was comfortable and warm. I woke up to Mal sitting on my hip, looking out the window over my sleep space.

Unfortunately, I also woke up to a non-working TV. We cut the cord and ditched cable years ago. I turned on the TV and was greeted with

PLEASE SCAN CHANNELS

I rescanned the channels the antenna can pick up. Nothing. No channels found. Frustrated, I tried three or four more times, with the same results. Now I’m upset, but I figured I’d look into watching live local TV on the Firestick. But no, that requires a specific option from the cable company. I’m not spending any money on that because I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

At this point, I’m even more upset than I was 45 minutes earlier when all this bullshit started. It feels like it takes forever for the antenna to scan the airwaves and pick up the 12 stations it might find. I can’t get my local news on the Firestick. I’m in tears because I’m just

so

fucking

tired

of everything. I’m tired of cleaning things and being unable to keep things tidy for any more than three days before the house looks like a fucking bomb went off again. I’m tired of going to bed in a good mood, comfortable, and waking up to the discovery that everything still fucking sucks. I gave up on the Firestick and set the TV to scan for channels, then went into the bathroom to poop and have a cry.

And then it worked.

IT FUCKING WORKED.

It’s like the universe either fucking hates me, or more likely, simply loves fucking with me. Can’t have me in a good mood, right? Nope. Let’s fuck up the morning, she looks too happy. She slept through the night and was just going to sit down and write about her new couchbed. She needs to be upset.

Now I’m simply angry. I’ve never come so close to just setting a match and walking out. Even that would be more effort than it’s worth, since I’d have to load the cats up and put clothes on.

I’m just so done with everything. Every day I’m just more done than the last. I planned to do a workout today. I also realized I’m working 4 closing shifts in a row next week. One of those shifts is a flu clinic that will be phenomenally bad, and I’m not entirely certain will be worth the extra two hours in my paycheck to deal with that sort of bullshit.