Right now, I don’t think any of us are really, truly ok. I’m ok at times, in brief flashes of “I’ll get through this”. But, I’m worn down. There’s a constant fear that our hours will be cut at work, and Plan Eh will fall apart if I lose the house. and the car. At times, I’m scared that a loved on will get sick. These days, there’s no need to even expand upon the phrase: “get sick” can only mean one thing. I couldn’t do anything; I wouldn’t be able to travel to my mother down south, and I certainly couldn’t do anything if Shawshank were sick. And under everything, the undercurrent of “will I get sick?” I’m exposed to dozens of people every day, and I’d guess half of them are in the pharmacy because they’re unwell in some form or another.
At work, I wonder if I’m considered the lucky one.
In case of exposure, I don’t have anyone to take it home to.
I don’t have anyone.
Even the cats aren’t the same. Maybe they miss Shawshank, maybe they’re scared because their lives got flipped-turned-upside-down. The two of us left to buy groceries, and only one of us ever came back. Perhaps, they’re catching my anxiety over life’s current uncertainties. Sometimes, I only give them a few token kernels of kibble because a food bowl is still mostly full. Chaucer snuggles more than ever, Mal cries to be picked up and carried whenever I’m doing anything, like they’re both afraid I might could disappear as well.
Last night was really bad. I haven’t had a night as bad since before Shawshank was taken. Part of it was due to making my drinks with Cherry Coke, when I should know better than to have that caffeine so late. However, it started way before bedtime. I was restless. I wanted to spend a couple of hours soaking in the tub, but just couldn’t relax. My #selfaresaturday movie – The Lighthouse – really needed a bigger screen than my laptop could offer. My apple crisp was over spiced, because I’m the idiot that removed the shaker tops from half the spices in the cabinet. The “foaming bath” I bought on Friday was barely foamy. By the time the tub was warm enough to soak in, with sufficient bubbles, the dessert was cold. I watched about 10 minutes of the movie, tops, before I turned it off. I tried to just relax, but I couldn’t.
I didn’t get into bed until almost 2 am, and I just could not fall asleep. There’s something pinchy in my shoulder, probably from Friday’s workout, and every position was uncomfortable. Both cats were on the bed and crowding me. Everything was either too quiet, or too loud. My fingers were touching, my breath was hitting my arm. I finally started to fall asleep around 4:30 am. It was a light sleep, filled with violent nightmares. I woke up screaming, dreaming an ax-wielding stranger was stalking my mother through our house.
Maybe later, I’ll be ok. Today, I’m only tired.
