Unready
I’m not dealing well at all. With anything, to be honest. I want to be with Shawshank, but I can’t cross the border yet. I won’t be able to keep things going for long with my schedule change. While I know I have places to go once the house sells, it’s not ideal for me. I wanted to do so much more, and I can’t. I’m lucky I saved what I could, because at least I’ll have a couple of extra weeks.
I’m currently in the middle of a complete freakout. I have a lot of stuff set to leave the house today. It’s at the point where I need to tell my mom it’s ok for her to come up to help me get my affairs in order. I don’t look forward to it. I feel like she’ll judge me. First, while I know she’d never say anything, judged for my life as Hermit Girl these past few months. However, everyone will judge my choice to follow Shawshank north. No one said anything when I stayed after his arrest, but I felt like a disappointment.
I woke up with a banger of a headache. My sleep wasn’t too bad, but it was filled with weird dreams. The more I stress about how unprepared, how unready I am, the weirder the dreams become. Earlier this week, I had dreams that Chaucer had died, and I had packed him in a produce crate. I refused to acknowledge his passing, and insisted he was just asleep. Last night, I dreamed about Shawshank‘s arrest and removal.
And I keep thinking, I am not ready for any of this. I live out of laundry hampers. I’m still amazed when I can remember to take care of the cats. I sure as fucking hell can’t take care of myself most of the time.
There is absolutely no right answer. If you and S are going to make a go of things- or not- the only way you will find out is trying it together. However. If your anxiety is actually your internal North Star telling you that you CANT leave your current world for S, find a place to stay, sell the house, and work at the pharmacy for some time and figure out if staying put is ok, especially with a less stressful living situation budget wise. Put the house money on ice until you know what your body is telling you. Let covid settle and figure out what your gut is trying to tell you.
You’re loved. You’re currently safe. You’re not a failure. You’re doing the best you can. The mistakes S made are his. Staying with him isn’t you taking on that guilt, it’s just evidence of your ability to forgive. That’s a sign of good character. Not something to be ashamed of.
Stay strong. You’re goin to be ok.
Thankfully, while I do have some anxiety about moving north, it’s mostly “OMG I’M MOVING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY WHERE I’LL KNOW 3 PEOPLE” anxiety. The rest of it is worrying about *when* I’ll be able to leave and whether I’ll have to bide my time with my mother down south until I can head north. Thankfully, if the timelines don’t match up, I have a couple of places down south to wait it out. My mom would take me in, which isn’t ideal because my cats and her pets don’t get along. I also have my godparents, who have a large house and really want me to bring my art skills and work in their shop.
And thank you for the kind words 🙂