While this is the time of year where my anxiety can shift into high gear, it’s also the time of year when I actually can take some time off work and just do nothing at all. There’s no family visiting, there’s nothing planned out for shared days off, nothing. It’s wonderful.
This week, I have three days off. What makes this particularly blissful is today is the last day of a three-day weekend. Due to the way the scheduling went, I’m in work tomorrow, then off again for another two days. I’ll go back to work on Friday, get Saturday off, and a short Sunday shift.
Unfortunately, I’ve been wired all weekend. On a scale of 1-10, I’d classify my anxiety somewhere around a 4. It’s not that bad, and I can handle it, but it sucks relative to the way things had been going. I’m in my head a lot, and I get quiet and withdrawn, thinking about what’s happened and being scared about what’s going to happen. He told me last night, “you just looked really, really sad.” He’s worried. Working out on my own turns into an hour of remembering what sort of things went on in that room, the things I’ve learned in that room. I start ruminating, and I get “remembery” about things.
Lately, I just keep remembering the police. Last week, someone from the gas company knocked on our front door and I felt that same rush of adrenaline hit. I think a big part of it is it seems every show we’ve watched lately has something to bring back that day. There’s police bookings on one show, and I wonder if that was how it was for him. I know a little of what happened, but I follow a simple rule of “if he wants to talk about it, he can and I’ll listen, but I won’t ask about it.” It’s not something he likes to talk about.
On another show, someone’s front door is pounded on and smashed open. Later, he dropped something and it crashed to the counter top, causing the cats to run off, and my heart skipped a beat and then resumed, pounding in my chest. I’m sure that if I were to go see someone, there’d be at least some talk about PTSD. I take all these things as they come, acknowledge the thoughts and feelings, and try to move past it and get on with my day. The flow continues.
In terms of better things to think about, this week’s schedule is going to allow me to do as many workouts as I could ever dream of doing. I have stuff planned for every day this week, from morning yoga on one of the days I have work, to the longer ones that are usually limited to one or two times a month when I’m alone. In between, there’s a few workouts together, which are some of my favorites. He pushes me to work harder, and I try to push him as well, and it’s something we both look forward to.
This week is also giving me an opportunity to get some more playing time with the light whip. Like my attempt with pole dancing, I feel most comfortable doing it alone, when I can just move and flow with some music. I find it’s difficult to get into the right mindset when I have an audience, and I go from flowy lightning dancer to robotic stiffness in a second. Alone, I can move with the music. Most examples of light whipping seem to focus on their use at raves and music festivals, lots of EDM, but I’m absolutely loving whipping to rock and rap. It may not be the prettiest thing to watch, but it gives me a way to feel good about my body and how it moves.
On the other hand, the light whip has also made me really, really get into learning how to use a rope dart, which could be a really, really bad thing. I don’t need more circus tricks.
