Hello, Thursday. I’ve been up since 4am. He asked if I was having nightmares, but no, I just woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I woke up, and my brain said “Oh, we’re awake? Here’s some shit to think about.”
There’s the anxiety about family bullshit. Will I get an invite to Christmas dinner? Will he be invited? Do I sign just my name or both our names on cards? Is it appropriate to bring a few gallons of coquito as a gift if I do get an invite?
I’m worried my mother won’t like her gifts, or be mad that I didn’t spend the extra $4 to have one gift wrapped and send a card. I’m worried he won’t like the gifts I bought him. I’m worried I won’t like what he’s buying me, because I’ve asked him not to buy me any makeup or just Gloomhaven stuff, and I have a feeling that’s what I’m going to get. I’m worried I’ll resent him if it ends up that I’ve spent three times more on him than he spent on me, especially because I’m still salty about the amount of cash he drops on smokes. Then, I’ll hate myself for having that “scorekeeping” mentality in the first place.
I still need to do the shopping for work gifts, and something for my nephew.
I just want to wake up on Christmas morning and feel like it’ll be a good day.
