I’ve been rereading House of Leaves over the last week or so. Shawshank says it’s one of those books that will be different for everyone who reads it. It’s a book that’s experienced more than read. My mother made it through about 15 pages. In contrast, Shawshank read it twice in one weekend.
Unlike Shawshank, this is only my second reread. It’s been at least six years since I first received it as a gift. In my first reading, I didn’t pay too much attention to the symbolism of things. This time around, I’m reading it with the book in one hand and my phone in the other, looking things up here and there as I go.
At the same time, the book feels different. A lot of things have changed for me in since that first read. I came across a passage last night that hit me hard, describing how a main character reacts to discovering his wife’s infidelity:
“Normal emotional reactions no longer apply. The pain anyone else would have felt … has been blunted by the grossly disproportionate trauma already caused”
It reminded me of the last therapy appointment Shawshank and I went to together. Dr. Mike, a little rat-faced man, asked me how I reacted when Shawshank was arrested in 2018. My mindset that morning was very much like the passage quoted above. Discovering concrete proof – instead of just that sick feeling of SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT – that Shawshank had cheated in 2016 had completely shattered me. By the time 2018 and that awful morning rolled around, I was already broken.
My reaction to seeing Shawshank cuffed and Mirandized was confusion, but not surprise. Disappointment, definitely. Anger, still. But, as I explained to Dr. Mike, my initial reaction was just “meh”. I’d been waiting two years for the other shoe to drop. I certainly didn’t feel the heartbreak one would probably expect to feel in that situation.
I don’t know where this post was going. I hope there’s no more shoes to drop.
Have a good Saturday. I hope you have the day you need to have.
