Mom: So, if my underwear keeps falling down inside my jeans, does that mean I need smaller undies or bigger ones? Me: I … I don’t know. Mom: Well why the hell not? You’re supposed to be the smart one.
Brian: (gesturing to the car stereo, a classic Ozzy song playing) Do you know who this is? Mom (who has had “Crazy Train” as her phone ringtone since forever): What are you, some kinda fucknut?
Mom: Are you rolling paper roses over there? Me: Yeah, why? Mom: It looked like you were rolling a joint. Me: I wouldn’t do that right in the living room. Besides, I suck at rolling. Mom: (almost wistfully) I used to be really good at it.