It’s lonely being the one who cares. The only one who cares. I’m the only support network to a man who, through his epically dumbass behavior, lost everything. He lost a job he liked, he lost the acceptance, to say nothing about the love, of my family. Lost me, destroyed us. Honestly, he’s lucky I bailed him out after what happened. However, he’s been my best friend for the last 17 years. Regardless of what happened in the past or happens in the future, right now I’m sticking by to see it through.
But it’s so lonely. It’s only been in the last month or so that I’ve stopped hiding the fact that he’s even home. My family knew, and a handful of friends. However, you could say I’ve been lying by ommition since I picked him up at the intake center that night. He called me, after 12 days of psych hold after his arrest, after calling three other people; I wasn’t his first choice, because he knew I would (and rightfully should) hate him. I made a short status update about my uncertainty. The response from friends was swift and brutal, and overwhelmingly against bailing him out. My mother pitched scenarios about what could happen. What if….? My friends said he wasn’t my responsibility anymore, and to leave him there. Someone told me he only called me because he didn’t want to be in with the general population. One friend said that I should do whatever I thought was best, and another told me to get him out for his own safety. “Get him,” she told me. “If he’s been thinking of hurting himself, he won’t survive in there.”
Later, I told a select group of friends that he was home. The response was even worse. I lost a lot of friends that day. There’s a few who do message me. Most of the time I can tell when they ask “how are you doing?”, they mean you in the singular form. One or two will ask about him. My family doesn’t acknowledge him. Cards come addressed to me. There was no mention of him over the holidays. Only recently did my mother show a glimpse of concern, and that was to ask about the household.
The worst part? I have no one to talk to. If I mention him online, it’s not to the people who told me what a bad idea it was to even consider getting him. I don’t mention him to the ones who told me what a terrible person I am because I got him.
I can’t reach out to family. It’s like we never happened. They want to forget everything that’s happened recently. Believe me, I’d love to. I’d fucking kill for a day – just one fucking day – where I don’t think about what happened, or wonder if the lawyer has called with an update, or worry about the future.
But my family? They want sweep it all under a rug, and while they’re at it, they may as well do the same with the last couple of decades they’ve known him. No one wants to hear about the jokes we crack, going grocery shopping, or the fact that we’re on the couch together, covered in cats and comforters, binging on Game of Thrones or The West Wing. No, that’s normal couple things, Crystal, you can’t be doing that.
And the more time goes by, the lonelier I feel.
As bad as it all has gone down, no one should be holding you accountable for helping him. If it wasn’t obvious to him before, it most certainly should be now to know how bad he’s messed things up. The fact that you still went there, and helped him, shows the world the level of humanity you have in you. Most folks probably wouldn’t have done that. I don’t know what I would do in a similar situation were I in your place.
Keep the faith, Crystal. You’re not totally alone, feel free to contact me if you’re running out of people to just toss ideas out to. Here cheering you on, regardless of what happens.
JH
Oh, believe me, he knows how bad it is. That’s one thing that’s a positive: he knows there’s something broken, and working on fixing shit.
Was confused by recent posts so I had to backtrack to see what I missed.
It’s fine to talk a good game (kick him to the curb! etc) but the reality is always more complicated, and people forget that. As long as you’re not being a doormat and you’ve got both eyes open, it is your life and ultimately your decision on what you do. Your internet friends are here to support you either way.
I truly hope he is up for a long term change. And I hope you keep self-care as a high priority for yourself as well. Don’t give up too much of yourself for anyone – family, friends, husband, et al. You got this.
Self-care is the biggest priority for me, it’s something that I haven’t prioritized enough in the last few years. I won’t sacrifice myself for anyone anymore, regardless of relationship, and my current motto is “don’t set yourself on for to keep others warm”.
As for him, we had a discussion a day or so after he came home about staying in the house together. Working on fixing himself a requirement, and is non-negotiable.