If you’re reading this, it’s Saturday1. Shawshank is at work this morning, and I’m holding down the fort here in The Flat until after lunch.
I set up the bedroom with the intention of having a dance party on Chaturbate last night. It was a bit of work, because I need to clear the cats’ beds out of the area, drag the lighting and half the tripod setup out of the regular corner, and shuffle cords. After I had it all set up, I took one look at it and put everything back in the original configuration. It would’ve worked, but I really didn’t like being so far from the camera.
I logged in and did the titty-shaking. Actually, scratch that. We didn’t even hit titty-shaking goals last night. I chatted, I flirted, I tried to rage-bait people by bringing up WWE and talking about how Roman Reigns looks greasy, his Superman punch looks fucking dumb, and his spear is weak. Not many people were chatting; my room’s ranking was pretty damned sad all night, but I logged out with some extra money.
I didn’t want to do anything after dinner. After yet another disappointing evening, I decided to sit down and watch some cams and see what they were doing differently than me. Firing up an incognito window, I loaded up a segment of my regular hashtags and watched some of my coworkers/competition.
What’s different? Short answer: everything.
I only watched creators over 30 years old, with rooms that had 50+ viewers. Over the course of an hour or so, I popped into a bunch of different rooms. One of the things I was looking at was their setup, because I want ideas on how to set up my own space. My big takeaway: I am too far away from my camera.
Aside from set design, my main goal was to see how they implement some of the most oft-repeated pieces of advice to newbies. There’s a lot of debate over whether or not to be nude in the free public chat, and right off the bat it was clear that the busiest rooms are nude. If the model didn’t interact with the room in any way, I would leave after a minute or two. I already ignore people while I stare at a screen, it’s not working.
With that in mind, I watched about 6-8 different rooms with models who did interact, mostly picked because their setup looked like something I could achieve in my own space. Of the non-nude2 models I watched, most wore something lacy, only one wore what I’d call a “full kit”. This isn’t to say that the non-nude models were keeping everything under wraps, either. Only one model didn’t show anything while I watched, everyone else was sitting around starkers.
Everyone says constant interaction is the key to being successful. My problem is I am a Tylenolgremlin, not a hotgirl. I do not interact like a successful human, and I need lessons in how to do hotgirl shit. Greeting people when they come in is pretty self explanatory. It’s going to sound like a nightmare episode of “Romper Room” no matter what I do, and I just need to suck it up. Nude or not, everyone was doing hotgirl shit in some way.
The model wearing a hoody/panties combo was spitting on her tits, another wore a bra with her tits pulled up over the cups and did nothing but bounce and moan. A woman screamed at her viewers and smacked her ass, channeling the ghosts of Disney artists past to display some of the most brilliant facial expressions I’ve seen outside of Jim Carey. A completely nude model rolled her eyes as someone tipped her to squirt, stood up and announced it would be the last one for the night, then proceeded to fuck herself with disinterest.
I have been educated.
- Temporal Disclosure Notice – If you are currently reading this and it is not Saturday, it is imperative that you remain calm. The statement If you’re reading this, it’s Saturday was accurate at the time of writing and may not reflect your current chronological experience.
Readers encountering this content on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or an emotionally confusing Sunday evening may experience mild side effects such as temporal dissonance, checking the calendar twice, or briefly assuming the blog author has achieved godlike control over the flow of time. In rare cases, readers may develop the sudden belief that it should be Saturday, which can lead to symptoms such as avoiding email, ignoring responsibilities, or making pancakes at inappropriate hours. If Saturday-like feelings persist for more than four hours, consult a calendar.
Do not attempt to correct the timeline yourself.
If the post does appear to be correct and it is Saturday, congratulations. Please enjoy responsibly. ↩︎ - In this case, “non-nude” simply means they’re wearing something at some point while I watched, regardless of what they’re showing on camera. ↩︎
