One shift left until the weekend can start. It’s been an uneventful week, so my anxiety levels have been at a really mild state for the most part.
We had a talk last weekend. I admitted I feel like most of the time I’m worried about him, I’m probably projecting my own anxieties. If I’m anxious about something, it’s almost always just “worrying for worry’s sake” and not based on an actual issue. I’m anxious about absolutely NOTHING, and I feel like I need something to be worried about, so I find something to fixate on. Then, once I’ve locked on my target, nothing else matters.
Most of last week’s worries were centered on him rather than me. I wasn’t projecting too much, but a series of things made me really, really worried for the last two weeks. He’s got a Kindle loaded up with a lot of books he’s always liked, but hadn’t read since he was younger. A couple of weeks ago we hit the bookstore and he bought one he loved as a kid. The weekend before last, he put on a much-loved documentary about his favorite band. That same weekend, he suggested a special dinner and reminisced about how it was his favorite dish at a pizza place he always went to back home in Canada. All combined, I was afraid he was working on a bucket list. One last chance to enjoy all the things he loved, either because he’s worried about the possibility of serving time in the future or deciding to completely give up on life.
My biggest hurdle these days is the cycle of intrusive thoughts. I’ll remember something that happened, or that was said, and there’s one of two results. Sometimes, it’s something small, and it’s easy for me to brush the thoughts aside and go on with the day. Other times, it’s not such a small thought; I go back through THAT DAY, and the phone calls, and the things that were said, and those days AFTER. Those are the thoughts that will absolutely wreck me. For the rest of the day it’s nothing but me against my mind, a battle where there is no clear winner, only a slightly less broken opponent.
After I explained the projection problems and the intrusive thoughts, he asked how I wanted him to handle things. “Should I call you out on it?” he asked, “or would that make things worse in your head?” We agreed that he can call me out on it, especially if I’m worrying for no concrete reason. Being anxious over something that actually matters in my life right now is one thing, but there is no reason to get myself worked up over something I can’t control, or letting my feelings take over the facts. I just need to ask myself if I’m letting the anxiety take over based on facts or feelings, and act accordingly from there.
