fear and loathing in pensacola

Happy Sunday. We have sunshine, and cloudless blue skies. The temps outside are cooler than it looks. Soon, I’ll need to find real shoes and boots. I came down here with a pair of super cheap knock-off Uggs and a pair of ratty, secondhand sneakers I used to workout in. I’ve been barefoot or in sandals since my arrival. I can’t go to Canada in either of them.

I had a pretty shitty day yesterday. My anxiety is ramping up again. I’ve got no reason for any of what’s in my head. For instance, I’ve been part of a Discord server for a couple of years now. It’s literally like five people who were on a small subreddit that shared mental health memes. The server isn’t a hopping place; we’re spread across Europe and the US. We’re not a place where people check in every morning and greet the crowd, nor do we wish everyone a good night. But… it’s been a quiet place lately. I think it was early Friday morning when I started wondering if I was being ignored. No one had been chatting. The server was quiet. Did they leave? Did they create a new server without me?

Then, Brian and Mom went to the Compound yesterday. Brian needed to clean out his parents’ pool. They were gone for a few hours. Does it take that long to clean out a pool? Yes. Do I know that? Yes. Did that stop me from firmly believing that they were at the Compound because it’s the only place they can get away from me? Not a single bit. In my head, they must’ve doing just that. They’re not cleaning. They’re talking about my mother’s failure of a daughter who does nothing but sit in the living room and stare at a screen, making grand plans to start small businesses and to leave the country to be with her felon husband and then not doing a single fucking thing. The daughter with no job, and no plans for it, who doesn’t put any plans in action, and then gets upset and buys shit she doesn’t need.

Today, there are plans to go out. Mom wants to drive out to the “nice hardware store” for something, which means I should get dressed. Since she’s still bundled in a robe, I don’t think I’m under a time crunch, but I guess that means I need to assume a human form.