Due to some terrible hiring practices and some scheduling issues, we no longer have a night technician, and now we’re pretty much fucked. I’m working normal week this week, but next week and the following week I’m working 12 solid shifts straight. While my paycheck is going to be awesome, my mental state will not.
So I figured that after the 12 shifts, I would reward myself. I had already planned on having three day weekend I figured that would be a nice treat. I also wanted to buy myself a set of fire poi. I’ve been practicing for a year now, and I’m confident enough in my skills to upgrade. I wanted to do some new tricks and light some shit on fire.
But now I’m thinking more, I need to be a responsible adult and spend this money – that I wanted to use to treat myself – on being responsible. We have to register the car. On top of that cost, there’s also getting the steering line fixed in the car because we go through about a quart of steering fluid every two days. We don’t know how much money this is going to cost, because we haven’t had a chance to get it in to get it checked out and get an estimate on it.
However, the one thing that’s stopping me from saying I’m definitely not buying my new toys is the fact that he spends about $60 a week on cigarettes. When I bailed him out and he came clean about smoking, he told me how he had been using his tip money from the shop to get the cigarettes, maybe taking an extra $5 out of the bank account here and there so that I wouldn’t notice it. It was one thing when this money came out of his personal play money and I wasn’t seeing it. But now, now he’s being open about everything, and smoking more. Now I have to see that he’s spending all of this money on something that only he can enjoy and I don’t get any pleasure out of it.
To say that I’m a little resentful would be an understatement.
Part of me is like, this isn’t something that I can do, I can’t enjoy it. This money is not going towards any of our bills, it’s not going to any of the maintenance of the house. He’s literally lighting this money on fire, and so I do resent him for it. And in the meantime, I’m worrying about the bills. I’m worrying about whether or not we’re going to have to be able to buy everything we need for food this week. I’m worrying about upcoming legal issues. I have a broken wisdom tooth that I’ve been dealing with for like months now, there’s doctors appointments that I’m worried about.
I feel bad just asking him to work a weekend here and there to get the extra $50 because that would give him money to smoke, and at the same time I want to buy shit for me. I want to treat myself to something. And I don’t want it to be a treat where it’s like going out for dinner one night or something look like going to the thrift store and buying a handful of shirts for it for us, I want something that’s just solely mine.
If that makes me sound like a sulking, selfish toddler, I don’t give a shit anymore.
