I think if I had to describe things as a game show, my little world right now would be something between The Price is Right and Whose Line is it Anyway? Actually, there’s probably more than a little from all the game shows I looked forward to watching on those rare snow days that cancelled school when I was a kid.
Two podiums stand on either side of a brightly lit stage. Each is equipped with a microphone on the top and an LCD screen built into the front. Tiny, flashing lights blink in dizzying patterns on a light blue backdrop. There’s an arched entrance in the center of the backdrop, with a silver satin curtain across it.
Announcer: Listen all y’all, it’s time for everyone’s least favorite and most frequently played game show….
Announcer & audience together: SELF SABOTAGE!
Announcer: That’s right party people, this is Self Sabotage, and here’s your host, REX MORGANSTERN!
The silver curtain rises in the arched doorway in the backdrop, and Rex Morganstern saunters on stage, smiling and waving at the audience, and takes his place behind the podium at stage left.
Rex: Greetings and salutations, everyone! I’m Rex, and welcome back to Self Sabatage, the game show where the facts are made up and reality doesn’t matter. Now let’s bring out today’s contestant! She’s a fitness junkie who is appears to be holding herself together, but backstage things are falling apart. Meet Crystal!
Crystal comes on stage via the arched door, briefly looks at the crowd before looking down at the floor and hurrying to the stage right podium.
Rex: Crystal’s got big plans tonight! She’s going out with her husband to a super fancy-shmancy meal downtown for their annual “frivolous tax return dinner”! There will be cloth nampkins, and a charcuterie board, and multiple forks on the table! A fancy dress! It’s going to be amazing!
Rex: But before she can go to dinner, she’s got to complete this challenge. Are you ready, Crystal?
Crystal: … Uh… I guess?
Rex: OK! Your challenge today is to find the fastest, easiest way to take the high you’re getting from your Saturday morning workout and turn that into a full on panic attack. You’ll have 60 seconds, and the only item you can use is your phone. Do you think you can handle this?
Rex: Alright! Let’s put 60 seconds on the clock, and on your mark… get set… GO!
Crystal opens up the T-Mobile app on her phone to pay the phone bill, pays it, and then opens the text message history for last November. There’s only two or three days usage in that billing cycle for his phone, but that’s all she needs to see. The panic rises immediately, and the workout is unfinished.
Rex: Way to go Crystal! You’ve done it, and in record time! Tell her what she’s won!
Announcer: She’s won herself an all expenses paid trip to THE ABYSS! This resort is located in the lowest point of the Pits of Despair and features absolutely no sunshine whatsoever! Crystal will travel there via a flaming dumpster, courtesy of her very own actions! She’ll be putting on her brave face to the world, while on the inside she’s contemplating running away from everything around her! It’ll be fucking awful, and she’ll have no one to blame but herself!
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